Monday, June 20, 2011

An end approaches

My friends,
my dear dear friends
Time has come to do the impossible

I ask you to listen to this song, as I say my last words to you.  It is a pleasing, soft tune, and I would like my words to be endeared to your gentle hearts.  I want you to remember what I say, as I treasure writing my last thoughts here.

It has been a tumultuous ride.  I sincerely thank you for being a part of my journey.  It means so much to me to know that there are people out there who read, and who care.  I feel like I am stronger, stronger now than ever before, because I have you.  Because I have Emily with me.   We are united here today, and from that union springs great strength.

I want you to remember what I say, my words, my belief in life and humanity.  About compassion, about kindness.  Let it change you, let it guide your life, and remember how great you truly are.  Live life without regret, see the bigger picture, give a hug to your friends, to your pet, to your loved one.  Re-awaken the dreamer you put to sleep when you grew up.  Never lose your sense of wonder.

I have an impossible task to fulfill.  To prove I have changed, to prove I deserve life.  It expects nothing less than my death, and I am not ready to die.  It is the greatest challenge of all, and yet I cannot choose to harm it.  I will not.  Thus, I must speak to it, convince it of my intentions, of my worth..

Emily will go with me, together we confront the Ashen One, here on our last day.  The Summer Solstice....  There is a field near here,  I know he will be there, and it is alright.  For my time ends today, life is constantly in motion, as one thing dies, another is born.  Its so beautiful, so beautiful a circle we all share.

Blue is more than just a simple belief, it is life itself, dear friends.  It is the whisper of wind through grass.  The rustle of leaves, and the feeling of love shared between family.  It is all these things, friends.  It is wonder and majesty incarnate.  I can only trust that you will someday feel the joy I have.  Even if it has only been for six months, it has been the greatest time of my life.

Make this the greatest time of your lives.

Find your Blue, and thank you for everything.

Call Me Nil.

Sunday, June 19, 2011


My name is Emily Hodgson.  I asked for this moment to say one simple thing to those who may identify that calls himself Nil.

Survivor's guilt is not something to be taken lightly.  It can utterly destroy a life without you consciously knowing it.  If you have been put in a situation where a loved one has died, please get counseling.  It doesn't matter if you feel you are dealing with it properly. 

Get help, please.

Friday, June 10, 2011

No denying the inevitable

Hello my friends,
so good to see you again
I trust you have been well.

I would like to say that I'm not afraid, here near the end.  I take childish comfort in saying to myself that I am awaiting Emily's arrival before the end.  A simple belief, to meet someone who has taken the time to chat with me, to peer into my strange world.  I have a strange fascination with her, I believe.  I cannot understand why I am drawn to someone I have not met.  She is not the sole person who has written to me, I cannot place my finger on it.  I suppose it is best not to ponder such things, late at night, waiting for the world to end.  But when a new day dawns, perhaps that is the perfect moment to do so.

And yet, here I am alone tonight, my temporary houseguests have retreated back to their own home.  I have never seen my abode so empty, the lack of footsteps, conversation.  I've taken to leaving the television on just for a bit of company.  I wish them well, for while I tried to be an excellent host, there is only so much one can do in another's home.  

I remember lying awake in the hospital, just wanting to know what day it was.  Just wanting to be able to scratch an ankle, or drink a delicious glass of orange juice.  I recall one day, simply being obsessed at knowing what time it was.  I wasn't sure if it were day or night, I simply had been so out of communication that I had become disoriented.

I advise those of you who visit relatives in the hospital, to bring a newspaper for them to read.  It may be filled with nothing of particular interest, but it is a connection to the world.  It is also exceedingly useful to crumple up and throw at the nurses when you cannot reach your 'call nurse' button.

I promised Emily today that I would let her write a little bit on my blog before the end.  I also promised not to read it.  I think that time is coming soon, don't you?   I haven't seen my foe for several weeks, and yet I feel he is closer than ever.  He weighs on my mind, as I ponder his inscrutable desires.

When Emily shows, it will end.  I am looking forward to it.

Until the very end,
Call Me Nil.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Grace period

Apologies gentle reader
I needed some time to myself
surely you can relate.

Bringing up bad memories is not an experience I enjoy, certainly not.  I get lost, I relive pain and torment, I relive death.  It has been hard to shake, hard enough that our esteemed Emily has decided she needs to come visit me.

We've talked on the phone a few times, her and I.  She seems so genuinely concerned with me, a total stranger.  I can't imagine what strange happenstance caused her to pause in her daily routine, to read the random musings of a cryptic, or what possessed her to reach out and touch my life, but I am grateful for it.

You and she are the sole ones who know of my issues, of my profound beliefs.  I haven't told anyone about my epiphany, about Blue, because I don't believe I could stand their heckling, their disinterest.  To anyone who hadn't experienced such a thing, it could easily be considered some crackpot karmic philosophy.  I have yet to have discovered the entirety of this belief as well.  There are so many unanswered questions I cannot fathom.  Hours lost in thought, pondering the proper way to handle my own grim reaper.  I am at a loss, still.  There are just certain things I cannot think my way through.  The rest of life comes with experience, or with sudden revelations.

I have decided there is an experience I need to pursue.  I need to survive my nemesis, and so, after Emily gets here, and the arrangements are made.  I will confront him.

I despise this notion I feel about the Ashen One.  That people cannot change, that we are immobile.  We cannot be destined for a sole path, our life experiences have to be able to change the nature of a man, else the entire point of life is for naught.

I cannot believe in fate.  I cannot.  My life is made up of my choices, the interactions of my life make up who I am.  Experiences change who we are.  I cannot live in a world where a man has no room to grow.

I cannot live in a world where the Ash men reign.

Call Me Nil