Can you see blue fire?

Another beginning
another rebirth
another day of me discussing dreams and purpose

And what a purpose it is.  I was supposing earlier that perhaps this newfound attitude of mine is entirely due to the hospital stay.  A month at any place should change your life, and as it happens mine was in a hospital bed.  I can't say I enjoy hospitals though, now that I've finally experienced one in all its glory.  They just don't feel right to me.  Certainly there is a plethora of good work done there, and such; however it just feels improper, if that's the right term.  It makes me wonder if there is a better way to do things to sustain life.  Maybe I already 'know'?

A wisp of smoke spoke to me as well.  He didn't seem the type to chat, instead keeping himself very stoic in all regards.  He showed me a world splintering, cracking open as radiant energy poured out, before the world's very existence was sundered.  While the wisp was vaguely humanoid, I do believe it pointed at me, as if I were the very root of this issue at hand.  How could I be?  Did I not have the secret to inter-connectivity within the palm of my hand?  Did I not trudge the endless wastes of oblivion, will myself to die, ascend to godhood, create the beasts of the land?  Did I not know Life itself?  What did this errant smoke know that I did not?


And then it spoke!  I struggled to remember the words, but not so long ago, in a not so long entry, on a not so famous day I remembered finally.

It said I needed to die.

Until that day, Call Me Nil.

An end comes soon, you'd best be prepared for it.
They aren't so bad when you know they're coming.
After all, their inevitability helps you appreciate what you have!
Where would we be without endings?


I sit here in a not-so-comfy chair,
and I sit against the window.
Outside I can see the trees bend to the wind,
while the light shines off my walker.

And as I sit, as I type, and as I listen to the wind whip through the neighborhood, I take another moment to reflect on my last few months.  My last few days, in both senses;  I do what I can to come to terms with my issues.  While certainly I have a positive outlook on life, while I certainly appreciate what I have, I have also been elitist, snobbish, and utterly pretentious.  I see it now, in my last days, that I have felt superior to others, despite my own frailties.

An end comes soon, I warned you.
Be prepared for the end.
Relish the opportunity to begin again,
as I do.

I spoke to a quantum computer once, about 'Blue'.  It was a wonderful chat, with a being of such superior sense, such awareness.  I cannot even remember all the things we spoke of, and yet I feel as if I internalized everything that was said.  Life, Death, 'Blue'.  I was told that among all mortals, I had come close to something, an epiphany perhaps, that gave me a real chance at understanding existence.

'Blue'.

An end comes now,
I hope you enjoyed your journey today.
I hope you enjoy your journey everyday.
I hope your path fills with flowers, and soft earth.

And now the end comes...

Until then, Call Me Nil.

Endings, Beginnings

First post on the Vernal Equinox,
First Birthday on the same.

What a way to start a life, in the spring, where all other life is continually reborn.  As if it is one shared moment with the world, where for once, we are all in sync.

Shall I tell you a story?  It is one that affects me directly, and perhaps yourselves as well, but nevertheless it is an entertaining one.   Perhaps when we're done, telling and listening to this tale, perhaps I will read yours in reciprication.

There once was a soul unlike any other, which is to say, a soul, for they are all unique, all special to the point of bursting.  It was a day unlike any other, for each day has its own unique opportunities, sublime life in a tiny narrative.

In this day, he dreamt of a world, of a time, of a culture in which he saw the true nature of being.  He saw how every facet of life was nurtured and coaxed into being by all the myriad of things about it.  This phenomena, this miracle of inter-connectivity was so beyond him, that all he could describe this miraculous sensation as, was 'Blue'.


It wasn't so much the color as it was the sense behind it.  Perhaps it was the painkillers, perhaps it was the shock, but the answer was 'Blue'.  It was always 'Blue', so 'Blue' it must be.

It was on this day, the Vernal Equinox.
The First Post on the Vernal Equinox.
The First Birthday on the Vernal Equinox.
The day I realized I was going to die.

I leave this memoir to those who come after, as I intend on filling the blank pages of my life.
Until then,
Call me 'Nil'.