Saturday, April 30, 2011

Confessions of the Ashen One

Hello again friends
I apologize for my rather sudden withdrawal.
Thinking about the incident, left me rather perturbed.

Before I absconded from this diary, I left my story in a precarious lurch, so if it pleases you, let me return to this moment.

A shuddering pain flooded my brain, filled with screeching, unintelligible language at a decibel as magnificent as jet turbines.  I was floored, near motionless, and without any avenue of escape truly.  My walker had clattered to the ground beside me, yet standing would prove to be a great chore, bedazzled and injured as I was.  It made no move to attack, nor did it speak again to me.  I realized that if it did mean harm, it would have done so.  Or rather, I had hoped as much.  I struggled to sit up, to speak further.    "My demise, you are here to kill me?"  I braced for the mental anguish which followed, when it finally replied.  "IT IS A NECESSARY ACTION.   THE FLAWS MUST BE REMOVED."  Pain shot through me again, I felt as if my brain bled with each statement, yet I could not stop, I had to continue. 

For sake of expediency, I will simply write out said 'conversation' without hyperbole or dramatic tension, as the assault remains on my mind as it is.

"Flaws...You wish to kill me because I cannot walk now?"
"Decree.  You speak in riddles.  Why have you not slain me then?"
"Then when?"

On that note, he left.  I lay in the sod, grass stains upon my clothes, bewildered, and sprawled out upon the lawn.  From then, I gathered myself, stared at a tumbled pizza box that managed to land cheese down, and then sobbed from the experience.

I do not like this, I sought to confront it, and yet I find myself with more questions than before, ever with the tension that at any moment it will return, when it is fated.

I do not believe in fate, I cannot believe in it.  Fate.

I am at a loss.  I turn to you, noble reader.  What can I do?  Please, if you will it, contact me.

Until fate descends
Call Me Nil.

Friday, April 29, 2011

A goliath made of cinders

Greetings, my friends
I have been so overjoyed
to report back to the land of the living!

I fear my enthusiasm for self-preservation betrays my abject terror at the moment, it is a joyous bounce, teetering from the rapturous elation of surviving an impossibility, and tottering towards annihilation, oblivion perhaps.  No,  I know for certain that the Ashen One is oblivion,  I felt it in my bones, my spirit.

Apologies my friend, I seem to have lost my focus, permit me to clarify the matter at hand, that led to my current jubilation.

I sought the Ashen One,  I feel it only proper to capitalize its name, whatever it may be.  I sought it because I could not bear the uncertainty of dreams, of its presence.  I was curious.  Two agonizing days passed, I kept a steady watch, subsisting on waffles, glorious amounts of soda, and dry cereal.  At night, I used a powerful flashlight, meant for emergencies, to occasionally peer about out of my prison.  I admit now, that I was rather committed to seeing it now, I wanted this, I wanted this badly.  No longer would the Sword of Damacles hang over friend Nil's head.  No, I felt it was time for to put my practices into action, the belief of destiny, the consequences of fate,  action over inaction.

I found nothing those nights, oh it is true I saw things, the strangest things of all sometimes, when one investigates the small things of life.  I suspect my neighbor is having an affair,  and I am now certain who it is who is stealing newspapers on the block.   Neither is my place to judge, for I am a guardian of a greater philosophy.  Eventually the waffle mix ran dry, fatigue set in, and my legs were aching enough that I simply had to take my feet off, and switch to my chair.

I realized I should splurge a hair in case it were my last night on Earth.  While the concept of massive parties, luxury drugs and the ilk danced across my thoughts for a mere moment, I chuckled to myself, then simply ordered a pizza.   Sweet nourishment, and savory breadsticks awaited me, unless I was confronted before then.

As for luck, and my suddenly famished hunger, it did not.  I screwed my feet back on to greet the deliveryman, for I feel so much more human when I may look someone in the eyes.   Oh, and look him in the eyes I did, with a happy smile again of jubilant life.   Then I dropped the pie.   Yes, dear reader, my good friend, as you surely have suspected, with your knowledge of dramatic moments, it was then that I saw him, standing in my neighbor's vegetable garden.  There was no mistake as to whom he found interest.

I muttered an apology, kicked the pizza over, signed the receipt and apparently gave him a ten dollar tip, sending him on his hurried way so I might find my answers.   With my walker in hand, I stepped outside into the balmy, crisp night to pay a visit.

Blue help me, its rather difficult to transcribe what I internalized of this incident.

Gingerly I approached, half expecting it to simply dematerialize, swept back into the eddies of the Etheral Plane from which it manifested.  It did not.  I wanted to speak to it, and yet I found I could not.  I found myself in the plight of supernatural encounter, with a malproportioned figure dressed in what resembled finewear, complete with tie.

It regarded me quietly, before I spoke, my heart racing, announcing my intentions with a forced laugh, "Well, hello there..."

I received a rather blank look from the masked figure, leaving me to prod on the conversation.  "I've..I've seen you watching me."   The wind picked up as the sole response.  I implored again, "Creature, creature, what are you?  Why do you stalk me?"

I found myself on the ground, clutching my head.  Scrambled, confused, dazed, I was struck by words so profound, so alien, I could not stand them for long.  "CURIOUS ONE, I AM BUT THE INSTRUMENT FOR DEMISE."

I need to lie down, please pardon me, I will attmept more later.
Callme Nli

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

No denial, no choice

Hello friends, I'm having a rough patch
but it brings me a bit of joy still
when I picture your smiling faces.

I have seen something lately, as if my dreams manifest into reality.  I have seen something otherworldly.  At first I simply disregarded my own thoughts, yet by the third instance, I wondered if something was dangerously wrong with my life.    I have seen a man, a very distorted figure, of very unlikely dimensions, wearing a very sharp suit.

I believe I have seen him before, in my dreams, my hallucinations.  No, I do not believe so, I know so.  This fellow in the ashen suit is here to kill me.  So I have not decided what I can do about this yet,  should I stand up against this tall fellow, tall in my walker, upon feet that are not?  Do I risk transit, driving from this apparition, this strange entity, flee, flee my life, my sole residence and all therein?

Despite all I have said here, about my views, and my world, the impression that I am fully....autonomous, is not the truth.  Since my accident, my life has required assistance of sort, and I fear that leaving here would surely sign my death sentence as much as anything.

So, I have decided that one other option remains.    I choose to talk to it, when next it appears.  I will talk to the Ashen One, and I will hope for the best.  I must, for there is so much more left to my life.

There is a chance I may not survive this chat,
If I do not, Call Me Nil.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Apologies my friends, if I seem a bit off today.

Well, it certainly has been a while, hasn't it?!  Oh the stories you could tell me about yourselves, about your lives, about your dreams.  Yes, dreams.  Mine haven't been so wonderful of late, I am sad to report.  There's been a bit of morbidity around my quaint home of late.  In fact, I think it's about time I tell you all exactly my issues of late, but not just yet, if you don't mind.  Admittedly, it is, in part, due to the simple fact that I don't want to remind myself of things, not here.  Not yet, please.

My blog, my home for the wayward here is a small sanctuary that I can retreat to, no matter what manner of beasts stalk outside.  Here I feel whole, secure, and able to walk a hundred miles.  Hmm, Walking hasn't been a strong suit of mine for a while now.


I was hunted by the relentless again, as I ran through the forests.  My form nearly that of a great beast, a bison perhaps.  My pack was driven on as well, guided by instinct to stay close.  They had no idea what followed me, it was for the best.  They were just simple creatures, which was fine.   I had created them to be so simple, but fleet.  Fleet they were, we ran and ran, galloping into the plains, past the vipers whom I consorted with many years ago when this world was but a fleeting thought.  We raced down to the shoreline, dust was following in our wake, yet not all of it was simple dust.  The smokey one was screened within our dust cloud, hidden, lurking, but ever present.  

I acknowledged the sea and the myriad of folk within its depth for only a moment before I fled further.  Yet I found there was no placating the grey one.  No, I heard his words soon enough, even as fear gave me the strength to run for ages.  "your time draws near, immortal one."  I shook him off as best I could, leaving my people behind.  They would be safe, I however, was not.

May your days be safe and sound, good friends.
Call Me Nil

Saturday, April 9, 2011

When one confronts oneself

A thoughtful moment
A peaceful moment
A moment of concern

I think back about my previous post, and what 'occurred' and what didn't occur.  I wonder if mayhaps my subconscious wants me to be wary of something.  Or perhaps it's more overt than that!  In my dazed stupor that is my experience, I confessed to something that did not happen.  Worse yet, it was what would be a hate crime.  Its a bitter pill to think of, that a man could be possible of such things, even worse to imagine the sheer intolerance of it all.  I think that such things, without getting too lecturey for once, need to be actively monitored.  One cannot simply say, "Oh, I have no prejudices, that's stupid."  Take me for example,  the first three loves of my life were all a different race, and yet I had this illusion before me that I confessed to such ignorant evil.  There are such preconceived notions still debasing the world.  'These guys are smarter.'  'These guys do more crime.'  'These guys can do this better.'

Statistics may tell a story, but its painted with dark colors.  I think perhaps, I experienced this tragedy in order to reconfirm what I already know, my own little secret of life, perhaps to empathize with those who have done wrong.  I cannot be sure, I can only follow this short road to its end.   On that note, I have nothing further to say on the matter, else I sound like an After-School Special.

I awoke in my hospital bed, near Halloween.  It was that time of year when I had my incident, so this made sense.  What happened next was more surreal.  According to the news, something had leaked into the milk supply for the state, causing strange mutations.  People with strange cheese shaped heads, and shambling corpses staggered about.  Protests were raised, Pro and Anti milk campaigns were both shown in a surreal demonstration of acceptance of change, and the denial of mutation.

I knew this to simply be a prank, a publicity stunt for the city for Halloween, and yet I saw zombies crawling along the hall.  I saw the hands reach out from the ceiling tiles.  I saw that when things went dark, they came out.  They never touched me, they never even entered my room, but I knew they were there.  I must confess that while my other ecstatic moments led me to great visions of truth, courage and compassion, this one was simply bizarre.

I was also Aquaman, but I digress.

So view yourselves with open eyes, see past the smoke and pain of life, try to see who you really are, and decide then and there, if that is what you want to be.  There is always a better path, you know.

Until you find that path,
Call Me Nil.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Relationships formed

We're friends now, I hope.
I can feel a special bond with you, my reader.
It is one that merits honesty and openness, and yet I know not your name.
I suppose it is alright, you don't have to tell me your secrets, and yet I can be laid bare like a book.

It can be a crazy world, can it not?

Shall we talk about something different today?  We've talked about 'the instinctive link between all things', and I've spouted a great deal of nonsense and self-aggrandizing eloquence so far, I am sure!  How about today we talk about Fate and Destiny?

Or how about we talk about me some more instead?

I drove a bit today.  I can still drive even if something so simple does leave me winded since my hospital stay.  I met up with a deal of friends, some old, some new, and some of which are very special.  One of which is a young boy I like to call my nephew.  There is no blood relation, I have simply known his father for my entire life, and have been honored to call him my best friend for that span.  So this boy is my nephew, you see, there simply isn't any denying such a bond.    I sat with them as they played cards, I failed miserably at a few multiplayer shoot-em games, and just as well at some other fighting games.  It was fun, really.  As I left, my nephew came out into the dark to give me one last hug before I drove back early, as I was eager to get home before the rain.

I had made a dessert for everyone today, it wasn't complicated but I was so thrilled to reciprocate all the compassion and love I have gotten from these people, even if in confectionery form.  So I drove back, the sky alight with cloud lightning, rain splattering upon my window.  It was quite dark, and my eyes never were so good in the night.  I could have easily missed a turn and driven off road.  In fact, in my youth, I had a dream very much like that.

Today...would have been an okay day to die. 

Everything was left on a good note, I had a wonderful hug from my nephew, and I had honored time among my friends.  But alas it was not today that I died!

I awoke after the strange melange of memories, emotions and colors that presented me the symphony that is Blue.  I was in a bus terminal with strangers.  Some would appear, some would fade, some never moved once.  I could not escape the ennui of the place, nor could I just leave the terminal until something was done.

Self-Admittance.  I had to admit my darkest fear, my darkest secret.  I had to lay bare before I could really move on in my life.  I had found I could not do such a thing!  I wallowed in despair and ignorance, refusing to just admit my issues...and so I wandered the wastes of Oblivion at the end, after damning myself to shame and denial.  Years passed, years upon years, eons upon eons.  I had forgotten food, I had no memory of water, and language was erased from my world, until a strange figure spoke to me.  He told me of my potential, my promises, and coaxed me to admit my personal truth.

Years ago, when I was but a callous youth.  I severely beat two young boys for no reason than them being of a different race than me, and left them in a ditch.

This brutal act had never actually happened, of course, but it was a role I was forced to partake in.  I consider it now to be a level of empathy that I have never felt before.

Until the next sad time, please, I implore you...
Call Me Nil.