Monday, June 20, 2011

An end approaches

My friends,
my dear dear friends
Time has come to do the impossible

I ask you to listen to this song, as I say my last words to you.  It is a pleasing, soft tune, and I would like my words to be endeared to your gentle hearts.  I want you to remember what I say, as I treasure writing my last thoughts here.

It has been a tumultuous ride.  I sincerely thank you for being a part of my journey.  It means so much to me to know that there are people out there who read, and who care.  I feel like I am stronger, stronger now than ever before, because I have you.  Because I have Emily with me.   We are united here today, and from that union springs great strength.

I want you to remember what I say, my words, my belief in life and humanity.  About compassion, about kindness.  Let it change you, let it guide your life, and remember how great you truly are.  Live life without regret, see the bigger picture, give a hug to your friends, to your pet, to your loved one.  Re-awaken the dreamer you put to sleep when you grew up.  Never lose your sense of wonder.

I have an impossible task to fulfill.  To prove I have changed, to prove I deserve life.  It expects nothing less than my death, and I am not ready to die.  It is the greatest challenge of all, and yet I cannot choose to harm it.  I will not.  Thus, I must speak to it, convince it of my intentions, of my worth..

Emily will go with me, together we confront the Ashen One, here on our last day.  The Summer Solstice....  There is a field near here,  I know he will be there, and it is alright.  For my time ends today, life is constantly in motion, as one thing dies, another is born.  Its so beautiful, so beautiful a circle we all share.

Blue is more than just a simple belief, it is life itself, dear friends.  It is the whisper of wind through grass.  The rustle of leaves, and the feeling of love shared between family.  It is all these things, friends.  It is wonder and majesty incarnate.  I can only trust that you will someday feel the joy I have.  Even if it has only been for six months, it has been the greatest time of my life.

Make this the greatest time of your lives.

Find your Blue, and thank you for everything.

Call Me Nil.

Sunday, June 19, 2011


My name is Emily Hodgson.  I asked for this moment to say one simple thing to those who may identify that calls himself Nil.

Survivor's guilt is not something to be taken lightly.  It can utterly destroy a life without you consciously knowing it.  If you have been put in a situation where a loved one has died, please get counseling.  It doesn't matter if you feel you are dealing with it properly. 

Get help, please.

Friday, June 10, 2011

No denying the inevitable

Hello my friends,
so good to see you again
I trust you have been well.

I would like to say that I'm not afraid, here near the end.  I take childish comfort in saying to myself that I am awaiting Emily's arrival before the end.  A simple belief, to meet someone who has taken the time to chat with me, to peer into my strange world.  I have a strange fascination with her, I believe.  I cannot understand why I am drawn to someone I have not met.  She is not the sole person who has written to me, I cannot place my finger on it.  I suppose it is best not to ponder such things, late at night, waiting for the world to end.  But when a new day dawns, perhaps that is the perfect moment to do so.

And yet, here I am alone tonight, my temporary houseguests have retreated back to their own home.  I have never seen my abode so empty, the lack of footsteps, conversation.  I've taken to leaving the television on just for a bit of company.  I wish them well, for while I tried to be an excellent host, there is only so much one can do in another's home.  

I remember lying awake in the hospital, just wanting to know what day it was.  Just wanting to be able to scratch an ankle, or drink a delicious glass of orange juice.  I recall one day, simply being obsessed at knowing what time it was.  I wasn't sure if it were day or night, I simply had been so out of communication that I had become disoriented.

I advise those of you who visit relatives in the hospital, to bring a newspaper for them to read.  It may be filled with nothing of particular interest, but it is a connection to the world.  It is also exceedingly useful to crumple up and throw at the nurses when you cannot reach your 'call nurse' button.

I promised Emily today that I would let her write a little bit on my blog before the end.  I also promised not to read it.  I think that time is coming soon, don't you?   I haven't seen my foe for several weeks, and yet I feel he is closer than ever.  He weighs on my mind, as I ponder his inscrutable desires.

When Emily shows, it will end.  I am looking forward to it.

Until the very end,
Call Me Nil.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Grace period

Apologies gentle reader
I needed some time to myself
surely you can relate.

Bringing up bad memories is not an experience I enjoy, certainly not.  I get lost, I relive pain and torment, I relive death.  It has been hard to shake, hard enough that our esteemed Emily has decided she needs to come visit me.

We've talked on the phone a few times, her and I.  She seems so genuinely concerned with me, a total stranger.  I can't imagine what strange happenstance caused her to pause in her daily routine, to read the random musings of a cryptic, or what possessed her to reach out and touch my life, but I am grateful for it.

You and she are the sole ones who know of my issues, of my profound beliefs.  I haven't told anyone about my epiphany, about Blue, because I don't believe I could stand their heckling, their disinterest.  To anyone who hadn't experienced such a thing, it could easily be considered some crackpot karmic philosophy.  I have yet to have discovered the entirety of this belief as well.  There are so many unanswered questions I cannot fathom.  Hours lost in thought, pondering the proper way to handle my own grim reaper.  I am at a loss, still.  There are just certain things I cannot think my way through.  The rest of life comes with experience, or with sudden revelations.

I have decided there is an experience I need to pursue.  I need to survive my nemesis, and so, after Emily gets here, and the arrangements are made.  I will confront him.

I despise this notion I feel about the Ashen One.  That people cannot change, that we are immobile.  We cannot be destined for a sole path, our life experiences have to be able to change the nature of a man, else the entire point of life is for naught.

I cannot believe in fate.  I cannot.  My life is made up of my choices, the interactions of my life make up who I am.  Experiences change who we are.  I cannot live in a world where a man has no room to grow.

I cannot live in a world where the Ash men reign.

Call Me Nil

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


There are some things I don't like to discuss
There are some things I love discussing,
and there is one thing I must discuss.

I've not wanted to do this, really.  There's a pain attached that I cannot bear bringing back to the surface.  However, In my discussions with Emily, she pointed out two things.  I need to be fully honest with my loyal readers.  It may also be cathartic for me to relive the moment.

Forgive me, gentle reader, if I become disjoined, or if I cut off suddenly, I cannot guarantee my words will hold out.

I was enjoying my day.  My good friend Adam and I are out for a drive.  He wants to go visit a game shop across town, and he is driving.  I prefer it this way,  I have always hated driving, and he's been my chauffeur for years now.  I take to the passenger seat like it was my home.  I am singing, poorly, to one of my fravorite songs.  "Epic" by Faith No More.  He wants me to shut up, but I do not.  I've got a red creme soda from White Castle in my hand.

It is pleasant.  it is familiar.  This is my life.  This is my best friend.   I have known him for twenty-five years.   We met on a school bus, in first-grade, and have been mostly inseparable since then.  I am the godfather to his child.  I gave him room and board when he lost his job.  I am his rock.  He is my inspiration.  We are brothers.

I tuck my feet beneath my seat, kicking at the bar beneath the seat, used for adjusting the seat position

my head wihps to the side, i hit the side window.  there is pain, i hurt,  light blur s i feel moved shifted, pushed up and over  i fall on my side   it hurts  i hear a noise  its a voice  i sie him next to me, he bleeds he is hurt  blood there is blod on me and it is not mine.  it is hims my brothers blood

i awake, flashing lighst everywhere i am numb, laid back on a stretcher.  there are sheets on bodies.  there is a truck, its atop a car  so much metal.

bodies, there are bodies, trhee.  there is a woman crying, she is heavy, latino  she is crying.

Call Me Nil.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Mark McLaughlin got around to asking me today about my screaming a few weeks ago.  It was unexpected, but certainly within his right.  He noticed my troubled behavior of late, and tried to get me to open up.  I was more than a shade nervous about it,  and I certainly wasn't about to explain my stalker to them.  I can hardly believe it is real myself, and I have lived it, there was no way I could convince him or his family of what I saw that night.

Instead I shrugged meekly, looked down at my waffle that he prepared for me, and simply said that I still have a few demons left to thwart.   I glanced aside at my walker, which seemed to answer the question for him.   I do not like lying.  It is a negative emotion.  I should not have done it, and yet I could not bear to be honest.  Is there some truth in lying to protect another?   It is hard enough on them, with their house's issues, without dragging a penance-seeking.....judge of some sort into it.

On the same subject of tall men in my home, I asked Lindsey if she had seen anyone 'strange' outside, and was most relieved when she said no, absently kicking her feet under her chair as she enjoyed a cup of juice.  So why had the Ashen One shown himself to her?  I suppose I was simply under the assumption that only I could see it.  I absently figured that in addition to its host of otherworldly attributes, selective invisibility would be as common as anything else.  Perhaps it does, and the innocence of a child could see past it?

I speculate on useless things, I suppose.   I wish to get within my enemy's mind.  What does it want from me?  It accuses me of horrid deeds, about being immalleable.  Have I not shown my change of heart in life, since the accident?  Have I not been open and honest?

How do I show my true self to a figure without a face?

Call Me Nil

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Shudders and Anxiety

It never occurred to me that a child could see him.
Always with the classic cliche that only those pure can see
what they aren't supposed to. 

My feelings to keep an eye on the children about, suddenly made sense.  If they could see him, what would happen?  Would they scream and run, or find him curious?  The sheer thought, of this malevolent creature being even TOUCHED by a child, has been rampaging through my mind of late.  I cannot let this happen, I cannot let him take a life, not while I can walk.  I find myself lacking in the ability, but not the dedication.  I have no concept of how to even begin warding off this ashen grey monstrosity.

Blue preserve me,  I have a child within my home, and I have his attention.

edit:  It just showed up, in my very own room, well past three.  I  I was sleeping sound, having my standard surreptitious dreams, when I dreamt of a dark shadow over me.  I awoke to find it was no dream.  The creature loomed over my bed, as if scheming.  I screamed.  It had warned me, and now it was here, ready to fulfill its horrid duty, and I hadn't gotten to do anything yet. 

It spoke as I screamed, the strange backlash from its words silenced me, sending me against the headboard, giving me a nasty welt.  "Your time nears."   Disoriented, I don't remember trying to climb out of bed, away from it, I fell upon the floor, trying to crawl away.  It was already before me, I cannot place how it moved, it simply was.  "You have been warned, yet you show no rehabilitation.  You are to be removed."

I was still staggered, its mentality overwhelmed me, words barely managed to form, "Re...habilitation?"  I managed to question.   It paused.  "What do you mean?"  I pressed.   The Ashen One was silent.  "I've done nothing but rehabilitation since my accident.  Both in body and in heart."

It uttered two painful words.  "You lie."

I cannot imagine why it would accuse me as such, I have striven..I have tried SO hard to be honest, humble and appreciative of my life, how could it not see that?

"No,"  I started, but my voice failed me.  It loomed closer,  I had antagonized it by refuting its words.   I had to buy time, I needed more information.

I cringed against the wall, nearly yelling  "Why do I see you now?"    I repeated myself before it responded, "You know why."

I hadn't seen it my entire life, just lately, and there was only one trauma that occurred to me that could have warranted this.  A near death experience.

"The accident."   I finally concluded.   It stood back up, I almost took it as a positive sign, so I continued.  "You are here because of the accident."


"And you will kill me, why?"

"Because of the accident."

Blue help me.
Call Me Nil