Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Grace period

Apologies gentle reader
I needed some time to myself
surely you can relate.

Bringing up bad memories is not an experience I enjoy, certainly not.  I get lost, I relive pain and torment, I relive death.  It has been hard to shake, hard enough that our esteemed Emily has decided she needs to come visit me.

We've talked on the phone a few times, her and I.  She seems so genuinely concerned with me, a total stranger.  I can't imagine what strange happenstance caused her to pause in her daily routine, to read the random musings of a cryptic, or what possessed her to reach out and touch my life, but I am grateful for it.

You and she are the sole ones who know of my issues, of my profound beliefs.  I haven't told anyone about my epiphany, about Blue, because I don't believe I could stand their heckling, their disinterest.  To anyone who hadn't experienced such a thing, it could easily be considered some crackpot karmic philosophy.  I have yet to have discovered the entirety of this belief as well.  There are so many unanswered questions I cannot fathom.  Hours lost in thought, pondering the proper way to handle my own grim reaper.  I am at a loss, still.  There are just certain things I cannot think my way through.  The rest of life comes with experience, or with sudden revelations.

I have decided there is an experience I need to pursue.  I need to survive my nemesis, and so, after Emily gets here, and the arrangements are made.  I will confront him.

I despise this notion I feel about the Ashen One.  That people cannot change, that we are immobile.  We cannot be destined for a sole path, our life experiences have to be able to change the nature of a man, else the entire point of life is for naught.

I cannot believe in fate.  I cannot.  My life is made up of my choices, the interactions of my life make up who I am.  Experiences change who we are.  I cannot live in a world where a man has no room to grow.

I cannot live in a world where the Ash men reign.

Call Me Nil