Apologies gentle reader
I needed some time to myself
surely you can relate.
Bringing up bad memories is not an experience I enjoy, certainly not. I get lost, I relive pain and torment, I relive death. It has been hard to shake, hard enough that our esteemed Emily has decided she needs to come visit me.
We've talked on the phone a few times, her and I. She seems so genuinely concerned with me, a total stranger. I can't imagine what strange happenstance caused her to pause in her daily routine, to read the random musings of a cryptic, or what possessed her to reach out and touch my life, but I am grateful for it.
You and she are the sole ones who know of my issues, of my profound beliefs. I haven't told anyone about my epiphany, about Blue, because I don't believe I could stand their heckling, their disinterest. To anyone who hadn't experienced such a thing, it could easily be considered some crackpot karmic philosophy. I have yet to have discovered the entirety of this belief as well. There are so many unanswered questions I cannot fathom. Hours lost in thought, pondering the proper way to handle my own grim reaper. I am at a loss, still. There are just certain things I cannot think my way through. The rest of life comes with experience, or with sudden revelations.
I have decided there is an experience I need to pursue. I need to survive my nemesis, and so, after Emily gets here, and the arrangements are made. I will confront him.
I despise this notion I feel about the Ashen One. That people cannot change, that we are immobile. We cannot be destined for a sole path, our life experiences have to be able to change the nature of a man, else the entire point of life is for naught.
I cannot believe in fate. I cannot. My life is made up of my choices, the interactions of my life make up who I am. Experiences change who we are. I cannot live in a world where a man has no room to grow.
I cannot live in a world where the Ash men reign.
Call Me Nil