An end approaches

My friends,
my dear dear friends
Time has come to do the impossible


I ask you to listen to this song, as I say my last words to you.  It is a pleasing, soft tune, and I would like my words to be endeared to your gentle hearts.  I want you to remember what I say, as I treasure writing my last thoughts here.

It has been a tumultuous ride.  I sincerely thank you for being a part of my journey.  It means so much to me to know that there are people out there who read, and who care.  I feel like I am stronger, stronger now than ever before, because I have you.  Because I have Emily with me.   We are united here today, and from that union springs great strength.

I want you to remember what I say, my words, my belief in life and humanity.  About compassion, about kindness.  Let it change you, let it guide your life, and remember how great you truly are.  Live life without regret, see the bigger picture, give a hug to your friends, to your pet, to your loved one.  Re-awaken the dreamer you put to sleep when you grew up.  Never lose your sense of wonder.

I have an impossible task to fulfill.  To prove I have changed, to prove I deserve life.  It expects nothing less than my death, and I am not ready to die.  It is the greatest challenge of all, and yet I cannot choose to harm it.  I will not.  Thus, I must speak to it, convince it of my intentions, of my worth..

Emily will go with me, together we confront the Ashen One, here on our last day.  The Summer Solstice....  There is a field near here,  I know he will be there, and it is alright.  For my time ends today, life is constantly in motion, as one thing dies, another is born.  Its so beautiful, so beautiful a circle we all share.

Blue is more than just a simple belief, it is life itself, dear friends.  It is the whisper of wind through grass.  The rustle of leaves, and the feeling of love shared between family.  It is all these things, friends.  It is wonder and majesty incarnate.  I can only trust that you will someday feel the joy I have.  Even if it has only been for six months, it has been the greatest time of my life.

Make this the greatest time of your lives.

Find your Blue, and thank you for everything.

Call Me Nil.

Remorse

My name is Emily Hodgson.  I asked for this moment to say one simple thing to those who may identify that calls himself Nil.

Survivor's guilt is not something to be taken lightly.  It can utterly destroy a life without you consciously knowing it.  If you have been put in a situation where a loved one has died, please get counseling.  It doesn't matter if you feel you are dealing with it properly. 

Get help, please.

No denying the inevitable

Hello my friends,
so good to see you again
I trust you have been well.

I would like to say that I'm not afraid, here near the end.  I take childish comfort in saying to myself that I am awaiting Emily's arrival before the end.  A simple belief, to meet someone who has taken the time to chat with me, to peer into my strange world.  I have a strange fascination with her, I believe.  I cannot understand why I am drawn to someone I have not met.  She is not the sole person who has written to me, I cannot place my finger on it.  I suppose it is best not to ponder such things, late at night, waiting for the world to end.  But when a new day dawns, perhaps that is the perfect moment to do so.

And yet, here I am alone tonight, my temporary houseguests have retreated back to their own home.  I have never seen my abode so empty, the lack of footsteps, conversation.  I've taken to leaving the television on just for a bit of company.  I wish them well, for while I tried to be an excellent host, there is only so much one can do in another's home.  

I remember lying awake in the hospital, just wanting to know what day it was.  Just wanting to be able to scratch an ankle, or drink a delicious glass of orange juice.  I recall one day, simply being obsessed at knowing what time it was.  I wasn't sure if it were day or night, I simply had been so out of communication that I had become disoriented.

I advise those of you who visit relatives in the hospital, to bring a newspaper for them to read.  It may be filled with nothing of particular interest, but it is a connection to the world.  It is also exceedingly useful to crumple up and throw at the nurses when you cannot reach your 'call nurse' button.

I promised Emily today that I would let her write a little bit on my blog before the end.  I also promised not to read it.  I think that time is coming soon, don't you?   I haven't seen my foe for several weeks, and yet I feel he is closer than ever.  He weighs on my mind, as I ponder his inscrutable desires.

When Emily shows, it will end.  I am looking forward to it.

Until the very end,
Call Me Nil.

Grace period

Apologies gentle reader
I needed some time to myself
surely you can relate.


Bringing up bad memories is not an experience I enjoy, certainly not.  I get lost, I relive pain and torment, I relive death.  It has been hard to shake, hard enough that our esteemed Emily has decided she needs to come visit me.

We've talked on the phone a few times, her and I.  She seems so genuinely concerned with me, a total stranger.  I can't imagine what strange happenstance caused her to pause in her daily routine, to read the random musings of a cryptic, or what possessed her to reach out and touch my life, but I am grateful for it.

You and she are the sole ones who know of my issues, of my profound beliefs.  I haven't told anyone about my epiphany, about Blue, because I don't believe I could stand their heckling, their disinterest.  To anyone who hadn't experienced such a thing, it could easily be considered some crackpot karmic philosophy.  I have yet to have discovered the entirety of this belief as well.  There are so many unanswered questions I cannot fathom.  Hours lost in thought, pondering the proper way to handle my own grim reaper.  I am at a loss, still.  There are just certain things I cannot think my way through.  The rest of life comes with experience, or with sudden revelations.

I have decided there is an experience I need to pursue.  I need to survive my nemesis, and so, after Emily gets here, and the arrangements are made.  I will confront him.

I despise this notion I feel about the Ashen One.  That people cannot change, that we are immobile.  We cannot be destined for a sole path, our life experiences have to be able to change the nature of a man, else the entire point of life is for naught.

I cannot believe in fate.  I cannot.  My life is made up of my choices, the interactions of my life make up who I am.  Experiences change who we are.  I cannot live in a world where a man has no room to grow.

I cannot live in a world where the Ash men reign.

Call Me Nil

Regrettably

There are some things I don't like to discuss
There are some things I love discussing,
and there is one thing I must discuss.


I've not wanted to do this, really.  There's a pain attached that I cannot bear bringing back to the surface.  However, In my discussions with Emily, she pointed out two things.  I need to be fully honest with my loyal readers.  It may also be cathartic for me to relive the moment.

Forgive me, gentle reader, if I become disjoined, or if I cut off suddenly, I cannot guarantee my words will hold out.


I was enjoying my day.  My good friend Adam and I are out for a drive.  He wants to go visit a game shop across town, and he is driving.  I prefer it this way,  I have always hated driving, and he's been my chauffeur for years now.  I take to the passenger seat like it was my home.  I am singing, poorly, to one of my fravorite songs.  "Epic" by Faith No More.  He wants me to shut up, but I do not.  I've got a red creme soda from White Castle in my hand.

It is pleasant.  it is familiar.  This is my life.  This is my best friend.   I have known him for twenty-five years.   We met on a school bus, in first-grade, and have been mostly inseparable since then.  I am the godfather to his child.  I gave him room and board when he lost his job.  I am his rock.  He is my inspiration.  We are brothers.


I tuck my feet beneath my seat, kicking at the bar beneath the seat, used for adjusting the seat position

my head wihps to the side, i hit the side window.  there is pain, i hurt,  light blur s i feel moved shifted, pushed up and over  i fall on my side   it hurts  i hear a noise  its a voice  i sie him next to me, he bleeds he is hurt  blood there is blod on me and it is not mine.  it is hims my brothers blood

i awake, flashing lighst everywhere i am numb, laid back on a stretcher.  there are sheets on bodies.  there is a truck, its atop a car  so much metal.

bodies, there are bodies, trhee.  there is a woman crying, she is heavy, latino  she is crying.

Call Me Nil.

Mark McLaughlin got around to asking me today about my screaming a few weeks ago.  It was unexpected, but certainly within his right.  He noticed my troubled behavior of late, and tried to get me to open up.  I was more than a shade nervous about it,  and I certainly wasn't about to explain my stalker to them.  I can hardly believe it is real myself, and I have lived it, there was no way I could convince him or his family of what I saw that night.

Instead I shrugged meekly, looked down at my waffle that he prepared for me, and simply said that I still have a few demons left to thwart.   I glanced aside at my walker, which seemed to answer the question for him.   I do not like lying.  It is a negative emotion.  I should not have done it, and yet I could not bear to be honest.  Is there some truth in lying to protect another?   It is hard enough on them, with their house's issues, without dragging a penance-seeking.....judge of some sort into it.

On the same subject of tall men in my home, I asked Lindsey if she had seen anyone 'strange' outside, and was most relieved when she said no, absently kicking her feet under her chair as she enjoyed a cup of juice.  So why had the Ashen One shown himself to her?  I suppose I was simply under the assumption that only I could see it.  I absently figured that in addition to its host of otherworldly attributes, selective invisibility would be as common as anything else.  Perhaps it does, and the innocence of a child could see past it?

I speculate on useless things, I suppose.   I wish to get within my enemy's mind.  What does it want from me?  It accuses me of horrid deeds, about being immalleable.  Have I not shown my change of heart in life, since the accident?  Have I not been open and honest?

How do I show my true self to a figure without a face?

Call Me Nil

Shudders and Anxiety

It never occurred to me that a child could see him.
Always with the classic cliche that only those pure can see
what they aren't supposed to. 

My feelings to keep an eye on the children about, suddenly made sense.  If they could see him, what would happen?  Would they scream and run, or find him curious?  The sheer thought, of this malevolent creature being even TOUCHED by a child, has been rampaging through my mind of late.  I cannot let this happen, I cannot let him take a life, not while I can walk.  I find myself lacking in the ability, but not the dedication.  I have no concept of how to even begin warding off this ashen grey monstrosity.

Blue preserve me,  I have a child within my home, and I have his attention.


edit:  It just showed up, in my very own room, well past three.  I  I was sleeping sound, having my standard surreptitious dreams, when I dreamt of a dark shadow over me.  I awoke to find it was no dream.  The creature loomed over my bed, as if scheming.  I screamed.  It had warned me, and now it was here, ready to fulfill its horrid duty, and I hadn't gotten to do anything yet. 

It spoke as I screamed, the strange backlash from its words silenced me, sending me against the headboard, giving me a nasty welt.  "Your time nears."   Disoriented, I don't remember trying to climb out of bed, away from it, I fell upon the floor, trying to crawl away.  It was already before me, I cannot place how it moved, it simply was.  "You have been warned, yet you show no rehabilitation.  You are to be removed."

I was still staggered, its mentality overwhelmed me, words barely managed to form, "Re...habilitation?"  I managed to question.   It paused.  "What do you mean?"  I pressed.   The Ashen One was silent.  "I've done nothing but rehabilitation since my accident.  Both in body and in heart."

It uttered two painful words.  "You lie."

I cannot imagine why it would accuse me as such, I have striven..I have tried SO hard to be honest, humble and appreciative of my life, how could it not see that?

"No,"  I started, but my voice failed me.  It loomed closer,  I had antagonized it by refuting its words.   I had to buy time, I needed more information.

I cringed against the wall, nearly yelling  "Why do I see you now?"    I repeated myself before it responded, "You know why."

I hadn't seen it my entire life, just lately, and there was only one trauma that occurred to me that could have warranted this.  A near death experience.

"The accident."   I finally concluded.   It stood back up, I almost took it as a positive sign, so I continued.  "You are here because of the accident."

"Yes."

"And you will kill me, why?"






"Because of the accident."

Blue help me.
Call Me Nil

Sometimes the sky opens up

Hello again, friends.
It's been a few days.

Right now it's raining outside, which would be more harmonious for me if it weren't for the fact I had some errands to run outdoors.  It's always so interesting to see how the world changes when such a natural occurrence happens.  People hustle, walking fast, they wear a myriad of bright colors,  yellow, blue, red.  They wear eclectic gear, whether they be slickers, umbrellas or hoodies.  I love the sound cars make as they drive by in the rain, sort of a hushed whisper.  Everyone hurries to get indoors, out of the rain.

I found myself grumbling at the fact that when I went to the grocery store, that it was as if everyone had forgotten common courtesy.  Five vehicles idled at the entrance, making it impassable, and then to my dismay, all the handicapped spots were taken, not one with a proper plate or sign upon it.

To be fair, I don't always take such spots myself, though I am allowed.  I do however, treasure them on days like this where I might risk slipping.  I eventually caught myself, mentally chiding myself with a laugh.  I strove to see the world as I have of late, and did so after I sought shelter in the store.

I had extra things to buy here today, for I have houseguests!  My neighbors from before,  you remember me talking about them, yes?   It took some time for the house to be evaluated, as to whether or not it was livable, and sad to say, it requires repairs before it is considered safe and up to code.   It took some time, but I managed to persuade them to accept my fine home, at least temporarily.  So this means there's a small flurry of activity here now, not just the gentle clicking footsteps of myself.

My home is two stories, it was left to me by my parents years ago.  Three bedrooms, all upstairs, one bathroom.  Ha ha, yes that will provide to be an issue eventually, but it is a welcome one.  Here I get the chance to pay kindness to the family.  Mark McLaughlin, his life partner Mitchell, and their daughter Lindsey.    They are constantly tripping over themselves to stay out of my way, or to ensure they're not making too much of an impact on my life.  I just laugh softly and assure them that they are fine.

If Lindsey watches Yo Gabba Gabba after lunch, then that's what we do now.   She's an inquisitive sort.  Fair complexion, eyes that hide behind her cheeks when she smiles, and a bit shy at times.  All in all, a sweet child to be sure.  She asked me about my feet, which was a bit hard to comprehend, so I told her I was a robot, and we laughed.  Then she asked about what I did for a living, since I live on disability, I told her robots don't need jobs.

Then she asked me about my friend out in the garden.

Always in the clouds

I heard a most wonderful quote today, my friends.

"A man is truly ethical only when he obeys the compulsion 
to help all life he is able to assist,
and shrinks from injuring anything that lives."  - Albert Schweitzer


This man knew Blue.  I'm sure that people have other names for it,  perhaps Karma, maybe even the Force, and yet this belief is so rarely practiced.  I couldn't stop smiling when I came across this quote, I found myself elicit, and wishing I had the rare honor to have met the man.  I've got much, much more to do before I feel as a successor to the philosopher, but I do feel that he would be a kindred spirit.  How I could have learned from him!

I've made it a point recently to expand my influence on the world about me.  Specifically, my neighborhood is the task at which I've charged myself.  If I am going to make a difference in anything, it is here that I must start.  Fate has no hold on me, I will not be stopped by such things.  I cannot, I have much to joy and love to share with my world.

I've started spending some time watching the playground at the park.  There's not always adults supervising the wondrous and imaginative children out there, and I do not trust in their safety with the creature about.  I have felt the need to keep close watch, to ensure no ill befalls them.  I have seen no interest, but it is a feeling I simply cannot shake.


I wandered through darkness and mazes, in a stupor, ever a puppet in another person's grand design.  Confusion filled me, even to the point of loss of self, of identity.  I reached out for names, for purpose, and found nought.  I remembered a glimpse of the past, of being with my Uncle in a car.  We were fighting zombies somewhere, and sought refuge in a medical complex.  I was given the grim task of putting him out of his misery after he was injured, and did so without ado.  I could only save who he was, not who he would be, and I did not regret it.   There were others, perhaps doctors and nurses, I know not, that were fighting to survive as well.  I fled to a bathroom, my shotgun aimed and readied at the door for whatever may give chase.

When the door did open, I hesitated.  The faces of these figures were all too human, though their forms were quite decayed.  I did not know these two men, but I knew their features well enough to place them as being Hispanic.  They stumbled forward as I could not fire.  The shamble grew more desperate as I tried to defend myself finally, producing no discharge even as I squeezed the triggers.  I was helpless, and so I died. 

Is it right or wrong to kill in the name of Blue?  If one was certainly a cancer upon the world, is it best to be rid of it, to slay the problem, or must one find an alternative?  All things are related, does this mean that his problems are mine?  Is a murderer merely the reflection of my own issues, exaggerated and personified?  If I showed him unconditional love, would he feel it, or would he shuffle me from this mortal coil?

Such questions have no easy answer,
even for I
Call Me, Nil.

Cryptic words, plain beliefs

"Visions seek out only the prepared mind."  -  Emily

I've heard this before once I think, its not a common phrase, and yet I wonder if there's any peal of truth to it anyway.

I never had any supernatural encounters before the accident, except the mysterious appearance of coinage from behind one's ear perhaps.  And yet I wonder if this is a counterweight set against my more enlightened outlook.

Dear reader, I submit that these two must not be related.  If one's search for balance and enlightenment ended up sought out for vengeance, I could not accept this world.  Even as it is, I find it hard to take the figure's words seriously, even as they bored into my skull, speaking of fate.   Fate.  I don't care for the concept.  Fate implies that your life is pre-patterned, and I find that reprehensible.  There is no chance for growth, for ecstasy, for epiphanies when fate rears its determined head.

Nevertheless I find myself under its gaze, as if the very embodiment of my nemesis takes shape against me.  Am I mocked by its tall stature, and long surely-working legs?  What if this figure is a reflection of who I am?  Perhaps this is merely an obstacle to overcome.  Surely it is, surely I am triumphant in this jaunt into the ethereal.  I suspect its involvement in my neighborhood.  A house fire broke out two doors down,  no deaths, and the home was saved, yet no cause was found.  Sadly their pet was caught in the blaze, I attended the small makeshift funeral for the animal, even as I scanned the distance for my mysterious foe.

On another note, I have started to cook a bit more recently.  I enjoy experimenting with it as such, even if cleanup is a chore sometimes, and I do tend to get winded easily.  Earlier I tried out cheddar cheese waffles, and was surprised by the crispy flavor.  I heartily endorse them to those with waffle makers.


I'm sorry, I can't continue this jovial line of thought right now.  My apologies, dear reader, for the lack of erstwhile gourmet tips.   Thoughts have been weighing on my mind as I ponder my villain.  I have said before I think he may be here to punish me.  Not who I am now, but perhaps who I was.  I was not always so cheerful and full of spirit.  Before my accident, I had a less appreciative nature of life, and while I feel it was in no way responsible for the car accident

I can't continue, forgive me.

Callme Nli.

Viewer Mail

A light gleaming above all
Illumination guaranteed
from a beautiful shade of blue.

Ask and ye shall receive, for I have gotten a few emails from you wonderful friends.  I sincerely appreciate this bold, outward action of your part, I find it has already helped cement the bonds between you and I further.  I feel that I should have done this a month prior, and yet I maintain that the proper time for this is now.  My spirits have lifted somewhat, and I have asked permission to share part of this email with the rest of you fair people.

A reader named Emily sent me a message, asking some questions of me, and while I shan't publish the message in whole, I deigned to share a few of them with you.

"Nil, what is going on with these colors in your blog?  The grey on white is very hard to read, btw."

Ahh, thank you for that advice.  I shall change the grey to a darker tone posthaste in the future.  Its an odd concept I suppose, to highlight certain words in color, but I feel they are words of significance.  Everything I have done of late, I feel as if have been influenced by two sides,  creation and destruction.  Joyous harmony and discord.  After my dream like epiphany resulting in the concept of 'Blue', I have felt the need to key people into it.  So when I speak of such things, I denote it in blue most of the time, so it is associated with the color and the belief properly.   Grey as it were, from the smoke in my dreams, to the Ashen One itself is denoted as the destructive force.   As you may see, I don't need to do such things.  I just feel that there's a visible link between beliefs, and wish to hone that bond further, if this makes sense.  Thank you.

"What are all the strange italicized stories?"

Ahh this I blame on my own efficacious, enigmatic self for not explaining away.  Dreams, mostly.  Dreams, delusions and hallucinations, most of which occurred after the accident.

"What put you into the hospital?"

I would prefer not to elaborate on this point for now.  Forgive me, some wounds run deeper than others.  I promise to disclose eventually.

She goes on to say how she supports my stand against the creature outside, among other things.  I thank her and you for your support.  You and she are truly gifts to me, dear readers.  As before, if anyone wishes to voice concerns or such, aspotofluck@gmail.com.

Until your cryptic host answers everything
and hope springs eternal.
Call Me Nil.

Confessions of the Ashen One

Hello again friends
I apologize for my rather sudden withdrawal.
Thinking about the incident, left me rather perturbed.

Before I absconded from this diary, I left my story in a precarious lurch, so if it pleases you, let me return to this moment.

A shuddering pain flooded my brain, filled with screeching, unintelligible language at a decibel as magnificent as jet turbines.  I was floored, near motionless, and without any avenue of escape truly.  My walker had clattered to the ground beside me, yet standing would prove to be a great chore, bedazzled and injured as I was.  It made no move to attack, nor did it speak again to me.  I realized that if it did mean harm, it would have done so.  Or rather, I had hoped as much.  I struggled to sit up, to speak further.    "My demise, you mean...you...you are here to kill me?"  I braced for the mental anguish which followed, when it finally replied.  "IT IS A NECESSARY ACTION.   THE FLAWS MUST BE REMOVED."  Pain shot through me again, I felt as if my brain bled with each statement, yet I could not stop, I had to continue. 

For sake of expediency, I will simply write out said 'conversation' without hyperbole or dramatic tension, as the assault remains on my mind as it is.

"Flaws...You wish to kill me because I cannot walk now?"
"IT IS BY DECREE."
"Decree.  You speak in riddles.  Why have you not slain me then?"
"IT IS NOT TIME."
"Then when?"
"WHEN IT IS FATED, NOT BEFORE."

On that note, he left.  I lay in the sod, grass stains upon my clothes, bewildered, and sprawled out upon the lawn.  From then, I gathered myself, stared at a tumbled pizza box that managed to land cheese down, and then sobbed from the experience.

I do not like this, I sought to confront it, and yet I find myself with more questions than before, ever with the tension that at any moment it will return, when it is fated.

I do not believe in fate, I cannot believe in it.  Fate.

I am at a loss.  I turn to you, noble reader.  What can I do?  Please, if you will it, contact me.
aspotofluck@gmail.com

Until fate descends
Call Me Nil.

A goliath made of cinders

Greetings, my friends
I have been so overjoyed
to report back to the land of the living!

I fear my enthusiasm for self-preservation betrays my abject terror at the moment, it is a joyous bounce, teetering from the rapturous elation of surviving an impossibility, and tottering towards annihilation, oblivion perhaps.  No,  I know for certain that the Ashen One is oblivion,  I felt it in my bones, my spirit.

Apologies my friend, I seem to have lost my focus, permit me to clarify the matter at hand, that led to my current jubilation.

I sought the Ashen One,  I feel it only proper to capitalize its name, whatever it may be.  I sought it because I could not bear the uncertainty of dreams, of its presence.  I was curious.  Two agonizing days passed, I kept a steady watch, subsisting on waffles, glorious amounts of soda, and dry cereal.  At night, I used a powerful flashlight, meant for emergencies, to occasionally peer about out of my prison.  I admit now, that I was rather committed to seeing it now, I wanted this, I wanted this badly.  No longer would the Sword of Damacles hang over friend Nil's head.  No, I felt it was time for to put my practices into action, the belief of destiny, the consequences of fate,  action over inaction.

I found nothing those nights, oh it is true I saw things, the strangest things of all sometimes, when one investigates the small things of life.  I suspect my neighbor is having an affair,  and I am now certain who it is who is stealing newspapers on the block.   Neither is my place to judge, for I am a guardian of a greater philosophy.  Eventually the waffle mix ran dry, fatigue set in, and my legs were aching enough that I simply had to take my feet off, and switch to my chair.

I realized I should splurge a hair in case it were my last night on Earth.  While the concept of massive parties, luxury drugs and the ilk danced across my thoughts for a mere moment, I chuckled to myself, then simply ordered a pizza.   Sweet nourishment, and savory breadsticks awaited me, unless I was confronted before then.

As for luck, and my suddenly famished hunger, it did not.  I screwed my feet back on to greet the deliveryman, for I feel so much more human when I may look someone in the eyes.   Oh, and look him in the eyes I did, with a happy smile again of jubilant life.   Then I dropped the pie.   Yes, dear reader, my good friend, as you surely have suspected, with your knowledge of dramatic moments, it was then that I saw him, standing in my neighbor's vegetable garden.  There was no mistake as to whom he found interest.

I muttered an apology, kicked the pizza over, signed the receipt and apparently gave him a ten dollar tip, sending him on his hurried way so I might find my answers.   With my walker in hand, I stepped outside into the balmy, crisp night to pay a visit.

Blue help me, its rather difficult to transcribe what I internalized of this incident.


Gingerly I approached, half expecting it to simply dematerialize, swept back into the eddies of the Etheral Plane from which it manifested.  It did not.  I wanted to speak to it, and yet I found I could not.  I found myself in the plight of supernatural encounter, with a malproportioned figure dressed in what resembled finewear, complete with tie.

It regarded me quietly, before I spoke, my heart racing, announcing my intentions with a forced laugh, "Well, hello there..."

I received a rather blank look from the masked figure, leaving me to prod on the conversation.  "I've..I've seen you watching me."   The wind picked up as the sole response.  I implored again, "Creature, creature, what are you?  Why do you stalk me?"

I found myself on the ground, clutching my head.  Scrambled, confused, dazed, I was struck by words so profound, so alien, I could not stand them for long.  "CURIOUS ONE, I AM BUT THE INSTRUMENT FOR DEMISE."

I need to lie down, please pardon me, I will attmept more later.
Callme Nli

No denial, no choice

Hello friends, I'm having a rough patch
but it brings me a bit of joy still
when I picture your smiling faces.


I have seen something lately, as if my dreams manifest into reality.  I have seen something otherworldly.  At first I simply disregarded my own thoughts, yet by the third instance, I wondered if something was dangerously wrong with my life.    I have seen a man, a very distorted figure, of very unlikely dimensions, wearing a very sharp suit.

I believe I have seen him before, in my dreams, my hallucinations.  No, I do not believe so, I know so.  This fellow in the ashen suit is here to kill me.  So I have not decided what I can do about this yet,  should I stand up against this tall fellow, tall in my walker, upon feet that are not?  Do I risk transit, driving from this apparition, this strange entity, flee, flee my life, my sole residence and all therein?

Despite all I have said here, about my views, and my world, the impression that I am fully....autonomous, is not the truth.  Since my accident, my life has required assistance of sort, and I fear that leaving here would surely sign my death sentence as much as anything.

So, I have decided that one other option remains.    I choose to talk to it, when next it appears.  I will talk to the Ashen One, and I will hope for the best.  I must, for there is so much more left to my life.

There is a chance I may not survive this chat,
If I do not, Call Me Nil.

Apologies my friends, if I seem a bit off today.

Well, it certainly has been a while, hasn't it?!  Oh the stories you could tell me about yourselves, about your lives, about your dreams.  Yes, dreams.  Mine haven't been so wonderful of late, I am sad to report.  There's been a bit of morbidity around my quaint home of late.  In fact, I think it's about time I tell you all exactly my issues of late, but not just yet, if you don't mind.  Admittedly, it is, in part, due to the simple fact that I don't want to remind myself of things, not here.  Not yet, please.

My blog, my home for the wayward here is a small sanctuary that I can retreat to, no matter what manner of beasts stalk outside.  Here I feel whole, secure, and able to walk a hundred miles.  Hmm, Walking hasn't been a strong suit of mine for a while now.

Onward

I was hunted by the relentless again, as I ran through the forests.  My form nearly that of a great beast, a bison perhaps.  My pack was driven on as well, guided by instinct to stay close.  They had no idea what followed me, it was for the best.  They were just simple creatures, which was fine.   I had created them to be so simple, but fleet.  Fleet they were, we ran and ran, galloping into the plains, past the vipers whom I consorted with many years ago when this world was but a fleeting thought.  We raced down to the shoreline, dust was following in our wake, yet not all of it was simple dust.  The smokey one was screened within our dust cloud, hidden, lurking, but ever present.  


I acknowledged the sea and the myriad of folk within its depth for only a moment before I fled further.  Yet I found there was no placating the grey one.  No, I heard his words soon enough, even as fear gave me the strength to run for ages.  "your time draws near, immortal one."  I shook him off as best I could, leaving my people behind.  They would be safe, I however, was not.


May your days be safe and sound, good friends.
Call Me Nil

When one confronts oneself

A thoughtful moment
A peaceful moment
A moment of concern

I think back about my previous post, and what 'occurred' and what didn't occur.  I wonder if mayhaps my subconscious wants me to be wary of something.  Or perhaps it's more overt than that!  In my dazed stupor that is my experience, I confessed to something that did not happen.  Worse yet, it was what would be a hate crime.  Its a bitter pill to think of, that a man could be possible of such things, even worse to imagine the sheer intolerance of it all.  I think that such things, without getting too lecturey for once, need to be actively monitored.  One cannot simply say, "Oh, I have no prejudices, that's stupid."  Take me for example,  the first three loves of my life were all a different race, and yet I had this illusion before me that I confessed to such ignorant evil.  There are such preconceived notions still debasing the world.  'These guys are smarter.'  'These guys do more crime.'  'These guys can do this better.'

Statistics may tell a story, but its painted with dark colors.  I think perhaps, I experienced this tragedy in order to reconfirm what I already know, my own little secret of life, perhaps to empathize with those who have done wrong.  I cannot be sure, I can only follow this short road to its end.   On that note, I have nothing further to say on the matter, else I sound like an After-School Special.

I awoke in my hospital bed, near Halloween.  It was that time of year when I had my incident, so this made sense.  What happened next was more surreal.  According to the news, something had leaked into the milk supply for the state, causing strange mutations.  People with strange cheese shaped heads, and shambling corpses staggered about.  Protests were raised, Pro and Anti milk campaigns were both shown in a surreal demonstration of acceptance of change, and the denial of mutation.


I knew this to simply be a prank, a publicity stunt for the city for Halloween, and yet I saw zombies crawling along the hall.  I saw the hands reach out from the ceiling tiles.  I saw that when things went dark, they came out.  They never touched me, they never even entered my room, but I knew they were there.  I must confess that while my other ecstatic moments led me to great visions of truth, courage and compassion, this one was simply bizarre.


I was also Aquaman, but I digress.

So view yourselves with open eyes, see past the smoke and pain of life, try to see who you really are, and decide then and there, if that is what you want to be.  There is always a better path, you know.

Until you find that path,
Call Me Nil.

Relationships formed

We're friends now, I hope.
I can feel a special bond with you, my reader.
It is one that merits honesty and openness, and yet I know not your name.
I suppose it is alright, you don't have to tell me your secrets, and yet I can be laid bare like a book.

It can be a crazy world, can it not?

Shall we talk about something different today?  We've talked about 'the instinctive link between all things', and I've spouted a great deal of nonsense and self-aggrandizing eloquence so far, I am sure!  How about today we talk about Fate and Destiny?

Or how about we talk about me some more instead?

I drove a bit today.  I can still drive even if something so simple does leave me winded since my hospital stay.  I met up with a deal of friends, some old, some new, and some of which are very special.  One of which is a young boy I like to call my nephew.  There is no blood relation, I have simply known his father for my entire life, and have been honored to call him my best friend for that span.  So this boy is my nephew, you see, there simply isn't any denying such a bond.    I sat with them as they played cards, I failed miserably at a few multiplayer shoot-em games, and just as well at some other fighting games.  It was fun, really.  As I left, my nephew came out into the dark to give me one last hug before I drove back early, as I was eager to get home before the rain.

I had made a dessert for everyone today, it wasn't complicated but I was so thrilled to reciprocate all the compassion and love I have gotten from these people, even if in confectionery form.  So I drove back, the sky alight with cloud lightning, rain splattering upon my window.  It was quite dark, and my eyes never were so good in the night.  I could have easily missed a turn and driven off road.  In fact, in my youth, I had a dream very much like that.

Today...would have been an okay day to die. 

Everything was left on a good note, I had a wonderful hug from my nephew, and I had honored time among my friends.  But alas it was not today that I died!

I awoke after the strange melange of memories, emotions and colors that presented me the symphony that is Blue.  I was in a bus terminal with strangers.  Some would appear, some would fade, some never moved once.  I could not escape the ennui of the place, nor could I just leave the terminal until something was done.

Self-Admittance.  I had to admit my darkest fear, my darkest secret.  I had to lay bare before I could really move on in my life.  I had found I could not do such a thing!  I wallowed in despair and ignorance, refusing to just admit my issues...and so I wandered the wastes of Oblivion at the end, after damning myself to shame and denial.  Years passed, years upon years, eons upon eons.  I had forgotten food, I had no memory of water, and language was erased from my world, until a strange figure spoke to me.  He told me of my potential, my promises, and coaxed me to admit my personal truth.


Years ago, when I was but a callous youth.  I severely beat two young boys for no reason than them being of a different race than me, and left them in a ditch.

This brutal act had never actually happened, of course, but it was a role I was forced to partake in.  I consider it now to be a level of empathy that I have never felt before.

Until the next sad time, please, I implore you...
Call Me Nil.

Can you see blue fire?

Another beginning
another rebirth
another day of me discussing dreams and purpose

And what a purpose it is.  I was supposing earlier that perhaps this newfound attitude of mine is entirely due to the hospital stay.  A month at any place should change your life, and as it happens mine was in a hospital bed.  I can't say I enjoy hospitals though, now that I've finally experienced one in all its glory.  They just don't feel right to me.  Certainly there is a plethora of good work done there, and such; however it just feels improper, if that's the right term.  It makes me wonder if there is a better way to do things to sustain life.  Maybe I already 'know'?

A wisp of smoke spoke to me as well.  He didn't seem the type to chat, instead keeping himself very stoic in all regards.  He showed me a world splintering, cracking open as radiant energy poured out, before the world's very existence was sundered.  While the wisp was vaguely humanoid, I do believe it pointed at me, as if I were the very root of this issue at hand.  How could I be?  Did I not have the secret to inter-connectivity within the palm of my hand?  Did I not trudge the endless wastes of oblivion, will myself to die, ascend to godhood, create the beasts of the land?  Did I not know Life itself?  What did this errant smoke know that I did not?


And then it spoke!  I struggled to remember the words, but not so long ago, in a not so long entry, on a not so famous day I remembered finally.

It said I needed to die.

Until that day, Call Me Nil.

An end comes soon, you'd best be prepared for it.
They aren't so bad when you know they're coming.
After all, their inevitability helps you appreciate what you have!
Where would we be without endings?


I sit here in a not-so-comfy chair,
and I sit against the window.
Outside I can see the trees bend to the wind,
while the light shines off my walker.

And as I sit, as I type, and as I listen to the wind whip through the neighborhood, I take another moment to reflect on my last few months.  My last few days, in both senses;  I do what I can to come to terms with my issues.  While certainly I have a positive outlook on life, while I certainly appreciate what I have, I have also been elitist, snobbish, and utterly pretentious.  I see it now, in my last days, that I have felt superior to others, despite my own frailties.

An end comes soon, I warned you.
Be prepared for the end.
Relish the opportunity to begin again,
as I do.

I spoke to a quantum computer once, about 'Blue'.  It was a wonderful chat, with a being of such superior sense, such awareness.  I cannot even remember all the things we spoke of, and yet I feel as if I internalized everything that was said.  Life, Death, 'Blue'.  I was told that among all mortals, I had come close to something, an epiphany perhaps, that gave me a real chance at understanding existence.

'Blue'.

An end comes now,
I hope you enjoyed your journey today.
I hope you enjoy your journey everyday.
I hope your path fills with flowers, and soft earth.

And now the end comes...

Until then, Call Me Nil.

Endings, Beginnings

First post on the Vernal Equinox,
First Birthday on the same.

What a way to start a life, in the spring, where all other life is continually reborn.  As if it is one shared moment with the world, where for once, we are all in sync.

Shall I tell you a story?  It is one that affects me directly, and perhaps yourselves as well, but nevertheless it is an entertaining one.   Perhaps when we're done, telling and listening to this tale, perhaps I will read yours in reciprication.

There once was a soul unlike any other, which is to say, a soul, for they are all unique, all special to the point of bursting.  It was a day unlike any other, for each day has its own unique opportunities, sublime life in a tiny narrative.

In this day, he dreamt of a world, of a time, of a culture in which he saw the true nature of being.  He saw how every facet of life was nurtured and coaxed into being by all the myriad of things about it.  This phenomena, this miracle of inter-connectivity was so beyond him, that all he could describe this miraculous sensation as, was 'Blue'.


It wasn't so much the color as it was the sense behind it.  Perhaps it was the painkillers, perhaps it was the shock, but the answer was 'Blue'.  It was always 'Blue', so 'Blue' it must be.

It was on this day, the Vernal Equinox.
The First Post on the Vernal Equinox.
The First Birthday on the Vernal Equinox.
The day I realized I was going to die.

I leave this memoir to those who come after, as I intend on filling the blank pages of my life.
Until then,
Call me 'Nil'.